01.12.19 Relationship with God as a Skeptic

Relationship with God as a skeptic is an interesting development. For the most part of my life I did not acknowledge the existence of a higher being. The only exposure to religion came from my Grandmother, who practiced a form of Buddhism. I on the other hand, simply accepted the possibility of God’s existence, which to a dumb kid meant I could laugh at people who thought God was real but also pray when there was nothing else I could do.

In college I began exploring the idea of purpose and motivation behind studying, living, and being an individual. As much as we criticize consumerism and capitalism, I was and still am driven by monetary gains, power, status. However, I knew these motivational factors were somewhat shortsighted and hedonistic in nature and would fail to encourage me to improve if I do ever become rich and famous and powerful. I began wondering how I could retain motivation, no matter the circumstances, and the answer I came up with was gratitude. You can always be thankful for something. The feeling of gratitude is followed by a sense of happy-guilt. Kind of like debt you really want to pay back. For awhile I experimented, convincing myself to feel grateful for the people, the opportunities, pretty much everything. The first few days went great. I felt like it was my responsibility to be my best self as a way to show gratitude.

The next few days were not great. The sense of gratitude faded, since in the back of my mind I knew I wasn’t really thankful, I’m just trying to cheat my own mind. And in reflection of why I wasn’t feeling thankful anymore, a question arose: who am I thankful to?

I could have chosen my parents, who devoted their lives to better mine. They sound like a pretty good answer. In an ideal world gratitude to your parents should be undying, but it didn’t really work for me. Not because I’m not thankful, but because the extent of gratitude I feel to an entity is defined by the scope of its influence on my life. Of course in the early stages of life I owe everything to my parents. But in adulthood, most aspects of life are independent of their reach. I could find motivation retroactively, owing the present to the past and dedicating my life to being a good son. Improving upon myself does translate into being a good son, but that would make it a two-step process. There had to be a more efficient, direct belief system.

Growing up, my parents instilled in me the belief that I could be anything in life if I committed the time and effort. Nothing is set in stone, I set my own limits. From this belief, with the help of some odd logical jumps, I decided that if some motivational factor was going to keep me going even when I don’t want to keep going, it’s going to have to be greater than me. Somehow I ended up with God. The idea of God is greater than me. If I was thankful to God, a sensation which theoretically implies I am thankful for everything in God’s power, I would have to be thankful for a lot of things. Turns out God is a very powerful being.

To summarize I wake up everyday and utter a short thank you to God. Does it make me religious? Maybe. All I know is that the gratitude I feel is genuine and I’ve found an answer to a previous problem. This post isn’t dedicated to invite people to believe in God, but to showcase a different approach to the idea of religion. From what I am told gratitude usually follows the idea of God, it doesn’t precede it. So maybe I’m not religious. What matters is, if it works it works. I don’t know how long this approach will last, hopefully forever, but I am certain it is one I can always return to.