A significant chapter of my life has recently concluded and it is unfortunate that this honest reflection could only be triggered by the turn of its final pages. 

I want to share what I’ve learned as the first step of acknowledging and hopefully overcoming personal flaws that have surfaced to my awareness. This is in no way inspired by regret or desire for an alternative outcome. Even if those sentiments remain, I do not think I am justified to feel that way. This is a product of subjective evaluation that must be integrated into my self-image, if I am to grow.

Flaw #1: I dismiss emotion. 

Overconfident in my ability to think logically, I have looked down on those whose actions are dictated by the chemical cocktail of neurotransmitters. Having experienced the violent turbulence of emotion that overrides thought and induces a simultaneous conviction in polarizing ideas, I realized that my failure to acknowledge the influential potential of emotions is what made me lose myself in their storm. Although emotions cannot justify all actions, I must incorporate a newfound awareness of their effect in how I assess both my own and others’ decision-making. 

Flaw #2: I harbor bias against my vulnerabilities and insecurities. 

I discovered that my tendency to believe I don’t have insecurities is in itself evidence of having severe insecurities I was too afraid to confront. In the past few days, I have accepted that I am insecure of being insecure. A deeper dive revealed the specific insecurities as well. I possess a fear of uncertainty and feign nonchalance to undesirable but probabilistic outcomes. I fear disappointing those around me and the inability to live up to my own expectations that are composed of standards that fail to correlate with happiness. I am profoundly uncomfortable with not knowing what I am doing. Evidence of misdirection and mistakes disrupts the foundation of my self-image. I hated it when people told me “it’s okay” to validate how weak I felt because I refused to integrate weakness into my identity. It will take time, but I am beginning to learn how to be vulnerable and how to call for external help, when needed. 

Flaw #3: I have a big ego that makes me think I know everything.

I prevent myself from being more empathetic due to the confidence I hold in my world-view to be more ideal and informed. I have learned that regardless of whether I am right or not, I need to practice a deeper level of empathy to heighten my understanding of others’ situational effects on their cognitive function. Ideally, I would be able to detect specific environment-influenced neural patterns that they themselves were not aware of. Not to point them out as flaws but to provide constructive perspectives. I also must raise my awareness of how we differ in thinking about things and that there is value in this difference. I cannot expect my position to be implicitly understood just because I believe I am right. A psychological humbling is much needed. 

Flaw #4: Communication.

The cumulation of these flaws has made me lack interpersonal communication skills. I am unable to foster a supportive environment of open discussion because I reject external support. I am unable to provide unconditionality because I do not see myself worthy of reciprocality. On the other hand, my insecurities fueled my needs, which I ignored because having acknowledged them would equate to weakness. The resulting contrast between conscious and subconscious actions and desires only widened the longer I postponed the need to address it. 

I once thought that communication was a strength of mine, but the complexities of human relationships necessitate different standards per different relationship. I must learn to be inquisitive and flexible, while balancing the fear of losing myself to change.

It is difficult to quantify the proportion of my identity that must remain malleable for others’ needs. I wonder about the minimum ratio that must be maintained to conserve myself as the majority shareholder of my own character. 

Perhaps this post will serve as a springboard to improvement. Sharing these beliefs is a selfish act in itself, because it incentivizes me to keep myself in check. I have long taken pride in the ability to live selfishly, for I believed it to be the most convenient outcome for everyone—another conclusion I drew singlehandedly without asking for the opinion of others. For too long I have been preoccupied with turning myself into a leader. I look back now and see that a self-proclaimed leader with no followers is no different from a quack. At this point in my life, it is time for me to learn how to follow.