read 01.10.18

The concept of an individual began to take place in my mind when I was 17. I was taking the subway, sitting across and between unfamiliar faces. On these rides, I usually mind my own business by looking at random stuff on my phone. That day, however, I felt a tiny interest in what everyone else was up to. So I broke the unspoken rule of public spaces: I stared. A 5 year old watching cartoons on his mom’s tablet, a 20-something woman fixing her make-up, a young couple leaning against the doorway with their eyes glued to each other (I don’t recall the details of my observations that day, but my experience on Korean subways tells me that’s probably what I saw). In the midst of all the staring, it dawned on me that each of these people are as much of an individual as I am— living their own lives, thinking their own thoughts. It wasn’t a revelation, but the feeling of being aware of another’s individuality and consciousness from the perspective of my own consciousness was surprisingly unfamiliar. I just never felt that before, and I had no idea what to do with that feeling.

I mention my experience because it has helped me think about social interactions. When I try to be an “experienced social interactionist” whether it be being a good conversationalist or a good friend, I always come back to the phrase “we’re all human after all.” It reminds me of an interesting nature of humanity, that we experience the same things differently. Everybody has problems, but we have different problems. Everybody has a story, but we have different stories. The details may differ, but it is through these tangential similarities that we become curious, that encourage us to communicate, empathize, and understand.

I do have areas to improve. An understanding of individuality allows me to be interested in others, when need be, so that is not an issue. It is the openness about myself that’s difficult. In a conversation, I have difficulty talking about myself in depth. To me, the act seems revealing and almost exposing. I understand that openness is important in encouraging others to reciprocate— to make them feel safe and talk about themselves with honesty, increasing the depth of the conversation and positively affecting the lasting impression it will leave on them. Even with the prior acknowledgements, it’s not easy. There are no labeled boundaries, no instruction manual. I guess it’s just something we all have to figure out for ourselves.

Overall, I enjoyed the reading. Some parts were obvious, but the provided insight into the common act of talking as sustained my interest throughout. As always, here are my favorite snippets of the book:

“First, the setting doesn’t have to be fancy or dramatic, as long as it gives your guests a feeling of comfort.” (63)

“My suggestion on how to talk to a member of the opposite sex for the first time, one you’d like to see more of, is simply to be candid.” (65-66)

“My advice in meeting people, and especially in talk between the sexes, is to learn as much as you can about the other person as early in the conversation as possible. Engage them in areas that you’re interested in and stick to your natural conversational style. If you’re witty, bantering sort of talker, see if she is, too. If you’re a woman who’s on the serious side, see if he is. If you like politics or sports or movies, or all of the above, see if your partner does. If he or she isn’t interested in the subjects that interest you, excuse yourself politely. Then move on. There’s bound to be someone else in the room who’s more fun for your to talk to.” (67-68)

“That would be my advice to if you ever find yourself in the position of being invited to speak at a funeral. Remember that people did not come to hear you speak. They came for the same reason you did— to mourn the passing of a loved one and to celebrate his or her life among you. Show respect and affection for the deceased. Show compassion for the family. Keep it short. And a chuckle or two won’t hurt.” (73)

“I approach them not as famous people, just as people— who probably have the same likes, dislikes, and feelings as the rest of us.” (74)

“The moral of the story is this: Remember your grandparents and other elderly people form your earlier years, your experiences with them and their stories and insights. They— and other people with backgrounds different from your own— can help you broaden your conversational repertoire and broaden your thinking.” (83)

“That’s an important point to remember about humor. Whatever your style of humor is, let it come into the conversation naturally.” (88)

“Another key ingredient in successful talkers is style. They have their own way of talking, and it makes them effective.” (89)

“No matter how brilliant a talker you are, there are times when it’s better to remain silent.” (91)

“I try to avoid pompous language. Some people use it as an oral status symbol to impress others. Others use it because they’ve simply forgotten how to talk in simple, clear, everyday terms. You will be far better off, because you’ll be better received and better understood, if you avoid “trendy talk.” To say that you’re getting input that will enable you to impact the situation may sound really “with it” to you, but you’ll be more successful if you say it in English that your listeners— all of them, not just the computer types— will understand.” (94)

“Let’s not become so worried about not offending anybody that we lose the ability to distinguish between respect and paranoia.” (105)

“One of the most effective ways of maintaining high morale and productivity among your employees is to keep them informed, so there will be times when you give people background information to make them feel involved or to motivate them. But you don’t need to give a briefing every time you talk to somebody.” (108-109)

“Know what you’re selling; and once you’ve closed the deal— don’t keep selling... There is another key rule in talking to make a sale: Sell the advantages of the product, not the features of the product.” (111)

“You’ll never sell any product that is as important as yourself, so you want to do it right.” (111)

“An assistant who feels appreciated and gets talked to in the right, professional way is going to go out of his or her way to help you— and will move mountains to get things done for you.” (121)

“Herb’s point is that not only in your words, but in your appearance and body language, you must exude an air of success, not one of desperation. By acting as if you are negotiating from strength, you can gain the upper hand, even when your position is not a strong one.” (124)

“Be willing to ask “dumb” questions. Meetings have a tendency to develop sort of a bandwagon personality, when one person states a certain premise early in the meeting and everyone else around the table spends the rest of the meeting jumping on the bandwagon. What you need then is someone who is willing to stop the runaway bandwagon by injecting a much needed question like “But isn’t the emperor going to get cold standing there naked?”” (128)

“If you allow last night’s football game to be the first subject of discussion at the table, you have no momentum for a brisk, decisive, productive meeting.” (130)

“Stevenson was an exceptional guest because of his profound intelligence and his great skills as a communicator. He could express himself better than anyone of his time— almost too well, which is why he got stuck with the reputation of being an “egghead,” an intellectual above the intelligence plane of the average American. Instead of helping him, this quality hurt him.” (142-143).

“Agnostics make good interviewers when the guest is a member of the clergy or a theologian because they are curious and keep asking why. Atheists, on the other hand, are not as good in the interview role because they are sure they’re right in their belief that there is no God. Agnostics are “I don’t know” people. They are curious and keep asking that greatest of all questions: “why?”” (146)

“A person who hits the same note over and over again, whether it’s political, emotional, or philosophical, makes a poor guest.” (149)

“People from Brooklyn will understand what I’m talking about when I say that Rusher grangles me. “Grangles” isn’t a word, except in Brooklyn. It means that someone’s personality has the same effect on you as the sound of fingernails across a blackboard.” (150)

“You can be the greatest interviewer or conversationalist in history, and you can resort to threats, torture, bribery or anything else, but if someone is determined that they ain’t gonna talk, they ain’t gonna talk. Don’t take it personally, just find another person to talk to.” (153)

“I give speeches many times a year to groups of every possible description. My “secret” is simply that I think of public speaking as no different from any other form of talk. It’s a way of sharing my thoughts with other people. In one sense it’s easier than social conversation because you’re in complete control of where the talk is going. At the same time you have to have something to say. You can’t fudge with, “Oh, really? Tell me more.” (And saying you have to go to the bathroom doesn’t get you out of it.) This leads to the first key to being a successful public speaker: Talk about something you know about.” (167)