I Can't Make This Up - Kevin Hart & Neil Strauss
“I was an overnight success that was only sixteen years in the making.” - Kevin Hart
Read 08.07.17
It’s a weird feeling to read an autobiography/self-help book by your high-school superlative. At the time, I didn’t really know how the yearbook club came up with this match. To me, Kevin Hart was some funny dude whose performance I occasionally saw on YouTube, that was our sole connection. But after I turned over the final pages of his “eight qualities” that inched him closer to success, I had gotten to know Kevin Hart not only as a comedian, but as an aspiration. However, in this post, I’m going to talk more about my thoughts in relation to the book more so than about the book itself. I highly recommend you scroll through my favorite snippets of the book down below to get to know who Kevin Hart really is.
“I guess that was the difference between me and many of the people I met over the course of my career: I always wanted to be bigger; I always wanted to do more; I always wanted to find the next step and the step after that.” (154)
Contentment is a dangerous emotion. Like most things in life, it is a double-edged sword. Become too content at where you are, and the desire to improve disappears. Become too discontent, and there is no sense of accomplishment that inspires you to improve. To balance the two, it’s important to recognize your accomplishments but also glance down the road one more time, with the new perspective you’ve just earned. Chances are, you’re going to want to go further, if you came this far already.
I bring up the feeling of contentment because it’s a challenge I face every day. As a student, there is a set path that somewhat guarantees your “well-being” (I use this term because I can’t think of a better one to describe a “successful” student life): good grades, good balance between academics and social life, and solid hours of sleep. On top of that we have internships / research opportunities for the high achievers and extracurriculars to suit our individual interests. As a student, I am content with where I am. However, as an adult (I like to assume that’s what I am), there is so much more I want to do. It’s an awkward phase of self-reflection. While I feel as if I’ve done my part as a student, I cannot say the same in the perspective of, well, a member of society.
This internal conflict leaves me wondering whether I’m living my life the best I can, and the answer is always yes and no. Fortunately, with time and effort, my answer began to tip closer to yes. Although I am nowhere as disciplined as he is (yet), I think Hart puts it best:
“I refuse to relax. I refuse to get comfortable. I refuse to sit down. (Okay, sometimes I sit down, but when I sit down, I’m still working.) I’m on a quest to find the ceiling of what’s possible in this life and raise it, so that my children and their children their children’s children will look at my accomplishments and go “Holy Shit.” I’m chasing after that Holy Shit Effect. If this sounds arrogant, that’s because it is. If you don’t believe in your own greatness, no one else will. You’re limited only by your doubts, your fears, and your desire to fit in rather than stand out. And there’s room in this world for all of us to stand out.” (372)
I came up with a motto when I came to college: When I die, I don’t want people to be able to look at my life and say: “I could’ve done that.” That’s the “Holy Shit Effect”. Not because I want to gain the respect of every living being on this planet, but because if others believe that they could comfortably live the life I spent my whole life to live (haha), could I really say that I truly lived my life the best I could? It’s a complicated thought, one I can’t properly explain yet. But thoughts are just thoughts. Anyone can have them. To bring thoughts, specifically this one, to reality, I needed to be motivated. More importantly, I needed to be disciplined in utilizing motivation.
“If success happens in part by chance, then the more you expose yourself to it, the luckier you will be. I worked hard in order to get lucky.” (181)
The problem with motivation is that, you can get content by just being motivated. I see this in plenty of people and the pattern is clear.
1. They feel that they can do more than the average person
2. They think about what more they could do and become motivated
3. Without transitioning from motivation to action, they feel content subconsciously, assuming that merely having the thought already sets them apart from the average.
4. Now there is no need to act. Having the thought itself was enough to separate them from others, convincing themselves that they are special, unique, different, and accomplished.
I know this because I was there. In hindsight, this was the toughest mental prison to escape. It gives you everything: desire to change, motivation, and contentment— without actually doing anything. So how does one escape this chain of thought? There is no easy fix. You just have to realize what’s going on. For me, it brought upon a phase of undervaluing myself, of which I am still struggling through. But with practice, it becomes a positive struggle, a necessary one. I know what I have to do and I am motivated to do it. The trick is to distance yourself from contentment. So what if you have those thoughts? Plenty of people have the same thoughts, and I wasn’t going to be content with that.
There is much more I want to share and on that note, I’m excited to announce that I will be starting a YouTube channel soon. Somewhere I can discuss thoughts and topics that really don’t fit into everyday conversation. Please look out for it in the near future.
As always, my favorite snippets of the book are below:
“You can’t control the events that happen to you, but you can control your interpretation of them. So why not choose the story that serves your life the best?” (7)
“But I think that I was born with a gift: the shoulder shrug. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had the ability to shoulder-shrug things— to just accept them, say “okay”, and get on with my life. The opposite of shoulder-shrugging would be to get depressed or angry and to hold on to those emotions for the rest of my life. But for whatever reason, whether it was because my father was matter-of-fact about the heaviest stuff or God put something in me, I’ve been able to take in all kinds of experiences and information and process them without holding on to any negative emotion afterward, even at a young age.” (13)
“At every moment in life, there is a fork in the path you are on. And you can choose to go right or you can choose to go left. Every right you take leads you closer to your best possible destiny; every left leads you further away from it. These forks are not just decisions that lead to actions, like saying yes to a job offer, but thoughts that lead to beliefs, like blaming your father for ruining your life. Your life today is the sum total of your choices. So if you’re not happy with it, look back at your choices and start making different ones. Even if you are struck by lightning and injured, you made choices that led you to that spot at that particular time— and you get to choose how you feel about it afterward. You can be angry at the bad luck that you got struck or grateful for the good luck that you survived.” (19)
“It turns out that the things I hated most as a child are the same things that serve me the most as an adult.” (32)
“That was where I first saw a naked woman. I found a Playboy in a pile of clutter, so I took it to the reading room in my clubhouse, where I had a little chair set up. I devoured every square inch of that magazine.” (37)
“It’s easy to complain about your life— how tough it is, how unfair it is, how stressful it is, how everyone else has it much better. But if you step into the life of someone you envy for just a day, you’ll discover that everyone has their own problems, and they’re usually worse than yours. Because your problems are designed specifically for you, with the specific purpose of helping you grow.” (44-45)
“And that’s when I realized: The fun guy always wins. This is because no matter where you are or what you’re doing, if you’re with the fun guy, you’re gonna have a good time. You could be sitting in an empty room watching television with the fun guy, and it could be one of the best nights of your life. You could go out for a cup of coffee with the fun guy and end up laughing more in one hour than you have all year. Even if you’re doing your laundry with the fun guy, you’re gonna have a great time because he knows the secret to life. You want to know what that secret is? It’s two words: Have fun.” (68)
“People do a lot of things to make life hard for themselves, but one of the stupidest is guys who desperately want sex talking shit about the women most likely to give it to them.” (69-70)
“That’s the test that each of us faces in life: Can you fail and still be strong? Can you not fit in and still accept yourself? Can you lose everything and still keep searching? Can you be in the dark and still believe in the light? Because no matter how low you go and how lost you fell, there is always tomorrow. And tomorrow just may be the day when you get lifted up and find your way. There is just one thing that tomorrow demands of you to make this happen: that you never stop believing in your power to create a better day. This way, when your best possible future comes looking for you— almost always at a time and in a place you least expect it— you will be able to recognize its face and respond to its call.” (77)
“I realized through [Alice: supervisor at City Sports] that we move through life, especially in our first twenty-five years, as sponges, slowly soaking up information from different people, environments, and experiences— and this becomes us. Some people fill up early and get stuck in their ways, and others keep absorbing their whole lives. From Alice, I soaked up the idea that I can be me and be loved regardless of what others may say or think.” (92)
“Your friends may love you, but the problem is that they love you as you are. You play a role in their lives that they’ve gotten used to, so they don’t always want you to change. Most of them think their job is to keep you humble and in your place.” (102)
“Sometimes, other people’s doubt can be the best motivation there is to succeed.” (105)
“Many people will tell you to ignore these doubters. Others will tell you to listen and then prove them wrong, which worked for me in those first shows. But I’m going to recommend something better that I learned much later: Don’t invite them into the conversation. You already know what you want to dedicate yourself to, so you don’t need to ask for their approval. There’s no need to seek external approval when you already have internal approval.” (118)
“The problem is, many people want you to do things, up to the point where they lose control of you. As long as they’re still your boss or mentor or partner or good friend, it’s fine. But if it starts pulling you away from them or making you more successful than them or keeping you too busy to see them as much, then your dream can become their threat.” (119)
“When you’re trying to make it, you’re not judged necessarily by your talent but by your potential. And that potential is all about your willingness to listen, learn, and improve.” (123)
“When it comes to family and friends, either they believe in you right away, before you’ve ever done anything, or they’re your toughest critics and the last ones to offer praise. Those words from my brother further sky-rocketed my mood that day, that week, that month.” (134)
“I guess that was the difference between me and many of the people I met over the course of my career: I always wanted to be bigger; I always wanted to do more; I always wanted to find the next step and the step after that.” (154)
“What is commitment? Here’s what it means to me: keeping the promises you make to yourself and to others… Though my sleep, time, finances, relationship, and even my patience and self-esteem were negatively impacted and I wanted to quit many times, I remained committed. That’s the biggest difference between the amateur and the professional, between the wannabe and the star, between the dabbler and the expert. The unsuccessful get halfway to the finish line, then turn around. The successful get halfway, then keep going. Both run the same distance, but only one makes it to the finish line. To win the race, then, having talent, speed, and endurance help, but those things are nothing without commitment. To commit successfully, you don’t have to always believe in yourself— because, let’s face it, we all have our doubts at times. But you do have to believe in something higher than yourself: your purpose. If you believe in your purpose, you can survive the most challenging times, because God or destiny or your will— or whatever you prefer to believe in— is on your side. If you know it’s your purpose to win the race, then you’re not going to turn around, because there is not other option but to win.” (161)
“If success happens in part by chance, then the more you expose yourself to it, the luckier you will be. I worked hard in order to get lucky.” (181)
“No person succeeds alone. Success is a community effort. The more relationships you have, the better you’ll be able to survive, thrive, and grow… In most action movies, one person rises out of a humble beginning to discover that they have been chosen by destiny to save the world. But that’s not how it works in real life. You rise out of your humble beginning to become part of a community, and it is only together and as equals that we will save the world.” (183-184)
“A good mentor learns as much form teaching as the apprentice does from learning.” (193)
“A lot of my philosophy is that life is about making the right choices in the dark. Many people ask me what to do if they have doubts about their career or how talented they are or what their passion is. My answer: When it comes to the future, it’s impossible to have any certainty. I may appear to be certain, because I’ve learned to have confidence in my abilities and faith in my will to succeed. But what I don’t know— and what no human being knows— is how we will fulfill our destiny as individuals and what the destiny will be. If you wait for certainty, you will spend your whole life standing still. And if you grow discouraged and give up when things get rough, you’ll miss out on your best possible destiny. So the secret is to be excited about what is in your power to control, be accepting of what’s not in your power to control, and then move with certainty in to an uncertain future. This of course leaves open the question of what direction you should move in. The answer: Pay attention, dummy. Life is pulling you there automatically. You don’t have to know. You don’t have to understand. You just have to trust. There is a flow to life, and all you have to do is make the decision to follow that current— even if it seems to be carrying you away from everyone around you.” (211-212)
“Struggling when you’re going somewhere is exciting. Struggling when you’re not getting anywhere is challenging. But struggling when you’re going backward is hell.” (248-249)
“When you mourn, when you hurt, when someone you love— or everyone you love— passes, it may feel like a void has opened up in your universe. But in the universe, energy can never be destroyed. So if the pain and the absence existed only in my mind, then it wasn’t real. It was imaginary, and me being hurt or angry about it wasn’t going to change anything. There was nothing I could do except let go of a tragic story and embrace one that served me— and her— better. So I did. I chose not to lose my mom, and instead to gain an angel. In my mind, my heart, and my life, she is still completely present to this day— and as wise, compassionate, and stubborn as ever.” (270-271)
“Here’s another way in which something that seems negative can be interpreted positively: If people are saying critical things about you, it means you’re worth talking about. And if they’re wrong about you, even better, because it means you’re worth making stuff up about.” (330)
“Around the time you’re eighteen, nature stops the process of growing in your body. So if you want to keep growing after that, you have no choice but to stretch yourselves n your own and increase your thinking, your capabilities, and your accomplishments. It’s a scary thing to take the risk and make the sacrifices necessary to keep growing, but it’s better than living a life in which you don’t fulfill your potential. The worst-case scenario is that it doesn’t work. The best-case scenario is that it does.” (330)
“Instead of money being a motivation for smart people to do stupid shit, I saw that money could be a motivation for stupid people to do smart shit as well.” (335)
“What’s harder than achieving success is achieving consistent success. But what’s even hard than achieving consistent success is achieving consistently bigger successes.” (347)
“I tell my kids that working hard earns you the right to play hard. No matter what happened in this intense period of my life, work always came first. But just because you work smart doesn’t give you the right to play stupid.” (350)
“Despite what you may be thinking right now, I didn’t have a drinking problem. Drinking had a problem with me. The difference s that someone with a drinking problem abuses alcohol. In my situation, the alcohol abused me. I only drank when I was out with friends (which was all the time— because who goes out with enemies?) and I never felt like I got drunk. Alcohol impairs people in different ways, and with me, it impaired my ability to tell that I was drunk. No matter how many shots I did, I still thought I was sober. Even if I was vomiting, I’d think I caught the flu from someone at the bar.” (351-352)
“I was an overnight success that was only sixteen years in the making.” (359)
“Everybody wants success in something, whether it’s work, love, play, finances, family, or an inner struggle. But success doesn’t come instantly. Life has a process of rejecting you to test you and prepare you to win… How you handle rejection is very similar to how you’ll handle success. If you’re strong enough to handle rejection without taking it personally, without holding a grudge, and without losing your passion and drive, then you’ll be strong enough to reap the rewards. But if you’re too weak to handle failure and disappointment, then you’re too weak to handle success, which will only end up damaging your life and happiness. If life is a struggle, then struggle. If you get rejected, get rejected again. If your dreams are smashed, keep dreaming. Just keep your eyes on the prize— and always remember that you have to fail to win.” (363)
“Success is not an excuse to stop; it’s a reason to move the goalposts farther out and accelerate. There is no destination, just a journey. And that journey is to keep building on top of what I’m building.” (371)
“I refuse to relax. I refuse to get comfortable. I refuse to sit down. (Okay, sometimes I sit down, but when I sit down, I’m still working.) I’m on a quest to find the ceiling of what’s possible in this life and raise it, so that my children and their children their children’s children will look at my accomplishments and go “Holy Shit.” I’m chasing after that Holy Shit Effect. If this sounds arrogant, that’s because it is. If you don’t believe in your own greatness, no one else will. You’re limited only by your doubts, your fears, and your desire to fit in rather than stand out. And there’s room in this world for all of us to stand out.” (372)