The Parents' Role

I just got off of a two hour video call with my parents. We’ve done this every week for the past five years, ever since I came to the United States as an international student. Today we discussed the role parents should play in their children’s lives, and how that fits into our interpretation of the meaning of family.

First and foremost, I want to make the assumption that a good parent wants what’s best for their kids. Yes, there are bad parents, just as there are bad people, but let’s stick with this assumption for now.

Say there is a spectrum of parenting strategies. On one side are the parents who tell their kids how to live life successfully. They emphasize the need to get good grades, go to a good college, and become a doctor or engineer. They don’t take the time to explain why they recommend these paths in life, and recite their authority out of worry that the child will not listen. This is the extreme mindset of the East. It’s what leads to children feeling pressured into paths they do not want. Insecurities can develop, especially towards the need to make their parents proud. Those who hang on until the end find themselves unhappy, their lives meaningless. Some even choose to end their lives early.

On the other side are the parents who tell their kids that it is okay to be a failure. They shower kids with unconditional love, but do not provide any guidance on how to improve themselves. This is the extreme mindset of the West. Children grow up completely stress-free and refuse to take responsibility for anything. As grown ups, they spend an awkwardly large potion of their lives under the parents’ roof. They have no desire to do, or be something.

Interestingly, these opposing examples of parenting induce the same outcome: a loss of identity.

Extending the first example, the child is leading a life designed by the parent. He feels immense pressure to become something he is not, and begins to dissociate with himself. This life is not one he wishes to be living, so perhaps he no longer sees himself as himself, but just a shell of who he once was.

Extending the second example, the child does not know how to live a life of fulfillment. He was accepted for what he was, so much to the extent that he felt no need for any introspection. Why should he think of change when there was never anything wrong? These circumstances prevented the solidification of his identity, and he is left clueless about who and what he is. Sooner or later he wishes to change, but change can only occur when he knows what exactly he wants to change.

The ideal parenting strategy converges these two extremes. Children are told that it is okay to fail, but are shown how to succeed. The desire to succeed is not drilled into their minds but rather understood and agreed upon by discussing these aspects of life with their parents.

It is the parents’ responsibility to try and guide their child to the best of their abilities, into paths they believe will best benefit the child in whichever metric they choose to measure success and happiness.

It is the child’s responsibility to try and empathize with the parents’ lives, and see things from their point of view.

It is the parents’ responsibility to display unconditional love and affection.

It is the child’s responsibility to accept this love, and let it dissipate the fear of failure.

Of course, when opinions clash, both parents and the child should be willing to communicate their differences, and come to an understanding of each other’s position. Although in my case, having accepted the wisdom of my parents’ age and experience as greater than mine, I have become more willing to accept their position as my own. Many personal experiences have informed me that they are usually right, and that I am usually a fool.

I wrote this post because I have recently felt a renewed gratitude towards my parents. I have been taking their guidance for granted, and overlooked the fact that not every parent exerts the effort to communicate with their child. There is still so much more they want to teach me, and there is still so much more I want to learn from them.

For this I am thankful, and the gratitude I feel has become the answer to the struggle with my faults. There is no more need to “hack” myself or devise new efficiency-optimizing strategies. I feel less afraid of failure and a stronger desire to succeed. So thank you, Mom and Dad, for everything.